Dammit
by Ex's and Oh's
Summary: Deadliest Catch: A short one shot about Edgar Hansen and the girl he lets go. Inspired loosely by Blink 182's Dammit.


A short story about Edgar Hansen and the girl who got away, inspired some of the lyrics in the song Dammit by Blink 182. I outline the particular lyrics that inspired the story, because the song as a whole has a different message. The story is also purposefully disconnected; its just snippets of the life Melissa and Edgar shared. As it is, I'm happy with it but, I could extend the story, make it a multi chapter fic, going into detail if reviewers would like that, or I could do a prequel… anyway… here you go!

**Dammit.**

_I know that/ you're leaving/ your must have/ your reasons/ the season/ is calling/ our picture is falling/ down._

"Sigh!" Melissa exclaimed loudly, and pointed to her boyfriend- fiancé, she called him privately in her head because that's where she hoped this relationship was headed.

Edgar looked up from his plate slightly taken aback, "What?" He asked looking confused.

Melissa poured herself another glass of ice tea, "You're always asking me to tell you what I'm thinking. I'm thinking _sigh_." She said ending her sentence with a huff of air.

Edgar put his fork down. It was true, he did ask her time and time again what was on her mind. She was just so hard to read, and Edgar always had a good feel for people- after all, you meet so many different people on crab boats you learn a thing or two about body language. Not for his Melissa though, she was always a mystery to him. "Why 'sigh'?" He asked resuming his eating.

"Oh, you know. Stuff." She told him, also taking a bite of her lasagna.

"Stuff? What are you always saying, that 'stuff' is place holder for the shit you really want to say?" He pushed, wanting to know what went on in her head.

"Nothing, I mean it. I shouldn't have started, I'm just going to miss you when you leave." She paused briefly, "I know you have to though. It's your job, right?" Melissa attempted to give him a smile, but it was half hearted.

Edgar reached over the table, and grasped Melissa's hand in his. "Yeah, yeah. I gotta go, babe." He told her.

It was Melissa's turn to be taken a back. Edgar was never overly affectionate, not that he was cold or distant but something as intimate as reaching over a table and holding her hand in a reassuring, tender way just wasn't his style. "Okay," she said, watching their hands. It was quite a contrast, her rich olive tone, a trademark of her Italian descent, stood out against his creamy pale Norwegian white skin.

Feeling self conscious, he slowly pulled his hand away and gave her a grin. "We can have a little send off celebration tonight though, if you know what I mean."

Melissa laugh, now this was her Edgar. "Oh, I dunno. I was thinking of with holding until red crab season was over. You know, see how long it takes you to get blue balls." She says with a laugh.

"I… don't think that's very funny" Edgar says standing up and walking over to her side of the table. "Besides, you know you can't resist me at my sexiest." He bends down and kisses her neck, "and baby, I'm feeling pretty sexy tonight." He catches the sensitive spot, right in back of her ear lobe, where her mandible beings and Melissa lets out a small, light groan. He was right; she could never really resist him.

_Well/ I guess this is growing up/_

Months later, Melissa checked her watched for what have be the twelfth time, 5:27 it read. She smiled happily, because any second on the Northwestern would come into view and she could watch it slowly make its way toward her, and Dutch Harbor.

"Any minute now, Meliss." Sig's wife, June, said smiling. "Now, I know you two can't wait to get home to the bedroom, but you remember that bedroom activities lead to babies!" She exclaimed, thrusting her months old daughter in Melissa's willing arms.

Melissa adjusted the baby in her arms, "Say, 'that's okay, Mama! I want cousins!'" Melissa took the baby's little hand in hers and began to sing softly to her. "_Well/ I'm a cowboy/ on this steal horse/ I ride/ and I'm wanted/ wanted/ dead or alive._." It was her own little theme song for when the fleet came in. It fit pretty well, she thought but had never really brought it up to any of the crews.

"There they are!" An excited voice rang out.

"Looky, looky baby girl! It's your daddy's boat; Daddy's coming home!" The baby gave an excited bubbling noise and started to pump her legs and Melissa made a move to hand her back to her mother, who took her and smiled graciously.

Sometimes, Melissa would give a thought or two about what it would be like to live as a deck boss, deck hand, green horn, skipper or Captain and it was never pretty. She didn't know much about crabbing, but she did know this this: the unforgiving Behring Sea is somewhere she'd never want to be. Firstly the ocean she was raised on was relatively calm; there were never thirty-foot waves crashing or the risk of water so choppy and riddled with white caps that you are in danger of immediate capsizing. She was sure the mostly calm New England waters had done nothing to prepare her for the ridiculous, deadly, Behring Sea. Secondly, she was sure she didn't have the physical strength, or perhaps the mental strength as well, to haul, bait, drop and recover eight hundred pound crab pots. Melissa couldn't survive the grueling 20 to 40 plus hour days working on a deck, her reaction time would be abysmal and it was likely she would die over a stupid mistake. _Well,_ Melissa thought to herself _that's unpleasant._

She was ripped out of her thoughts by a shout, "Who's gonna catch the line?" She heard Edgar's voice ring out. "Missa, you got us?"

Melissa nodded, and smiled at his ridiculous name for her. Edgar tossed the thick line onto the dock, and Melissa quickly tied a bowline knot- the way he taught her, which would hold until someone could secure the boat safely.

"Hey, Miss!" Matt, a deck hand called out to her, "Look at you go! You can get a job up here next season!"

"Not in this lifetime, Matty, baby." She called, bouncing on the balls of her feet waiting for the to settle in the water so she could hop aboard and get the hug and kiss she'd been waiting almost two weeks for.

Her patience, if she had any, is wearing thin as she watches the boat bob a mere three feet from her.

"Alright, alright- Welcome aboard, if you want on." She heard Sig's voice announce over the speaker.

Melissa launched herself onto the railing, catching the first pipe of the railing with her feet, and then lightly grasping the top pipe with her hands she hoists herself over the of the gunnels and lands as gracefully as she could, while slipping on ice. Edgar caught her arm, steadying her and then pulling her close to his chest.

"Hello," She mumbled, wrapping both arms around his middle.

Edgar gives her a squeeze, "Hey," he says lazily. "Did you miss me?" He whispers in her ear.

"Oh, you know. Not that much, I couldn't change the water bottle on my own so I'm a little dehydrated… other than that."

Edgar chuckles, and Melissa raises her head up to him and smiles. "Yes, I missed you. Did you have time to miss me this season?"

Edgar leans his face a little closer to hers, "Every now and again," he gives her a big smile, and leans down to kiss her softly on the lips. "I thought about fishing, but most of the time- I thought about you."

Once again, Melissa was slightly surprised by his omission of intimacy. He better watch it, or she might get used to that sort of thing. Melissa raised her hand to his chest, and grinned to herself. "I love you," She told him.

"I love you too, baby." Edgar pulled Melissa in tighter, because she was starting to shiver.

"Let me finish!" She laughed, "I love you, but we need to get home. Someone has to shower." Edgar gave her a toothy grin, and then she continued, "Alone, because he smells."

Melissa slipped out of Edgar's grasp, said a quick Hello and Goodbye to Sig and the crew and then hoisted herself back over the rail, landing almost gracefully on the dry dock.

Edgar stood still of a moment, brought a hand to the neck of his _Northwestern_ sweater to his noise and gave a deep sniff. "Yeah, Phew." He shrugged, and let the sweater fall back to his chest. "Could be worse."

_The steps that/ I retrace/ the sad look/ on your face/ the timing/ and structure/_

"Mad? Mad. No, I'm not mad… okay! Yes, I am mad." Melissa slams a drawer on her bureau, "Obviously, I shouldn't be… because it's immature. I can't help it. I just can't."

"We don't have to go out to dinner with them, I can call and say the shots are making you sick, and you just want to stay in tonight. It's not a big deal." Edgar sighed as he watch Melissa fumble through her jewelry, trying to fight back tears. "Baby, please don't cry. June didn't get pregnant to upset you." He says.

"I know that, Edgar. It had, in fact, crossed my mind that perhaps your brother and his wife were not conspiring against my sanity, but they were just concerned about their happiness and were doing what's good for their family." She said tensely.

Edgar stood near the foot of their bed, looking at the neatly folded blankets and perfectly placed pillows he said nothing, after all what could he say?

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's just- the hormone shots and the vitamins and the fucking herbs. They're making me crazy. I feel crazy and emotional… everything is like an earth shattering experience." Melissa lowered herself to the floor, and pulled her knees close to her chest. "I'm sorry I'm such a bitch."

Edgar dropped to his knees in front of her, "You aren't a bitch, you're hopped up on hormones, thinking about nothing but pregnancy everyday, all day and the fertile Myrtle over here ends up pregnant again. It's driving me nuts, too."

A few tears escape down Melissa face, "Do you… do you think we'll ever get pregnant?" She asks softly. "I mean, between your funky sperm and my gimpy ovary?"

"Your ovary isn't gimpy."

"And your sperm's not funky."

Melissa sighs, "So where does that leave us?" She leans he head back, against the bureau and Edgar sits down and leans against the bureau next to her.

"Infertile." He answers in an equally soft voice.

"Don't say that. We're not infertile, we just… haven't gotten lucky yet." Melissa moves her head from against the wooden bureau and onto Edgar's shoulder. "Between you being gone so much, and let's face it, my gimpy ovary… we just need a little luck."

"I'm not sorry I'm gone for so long." Edgar tells her.

"I know." She whispers, "I always say fishing is your job, but it's more than that. The boats your family." Melissa plays with the hem of her black dress. "I'm not happy about it, but I understand it. Boat, me, food… or Boat, food, me."

"I won't apologize."

"Then I guess I won't ask you to."

_A day late/ a buck short/ I'm writing the report/ On losing and failing/ When I move/ I'm flailing/ _

"Hey, Edgar! You coming down to the bar with us, or you heading home to see your lady?" Matt called to him, as they tied up the boat.

"I'll stop in for a beer. Melissa's flight doesn't land for another hour or two. She was visiting her family in Connecticut." Edgar tossed his bag over the gunnels and then hopped down himself.

"Oh, fancy. I didn't know she from the rich state." Matt said conversationally.

"Yeah, New Haven. Nothing fancy." Edgar responds. "She's got a big family. Lot's of cousins and aunts and uncles." He tossing his bag into his shoulder.

"Hey, uh… How's the baby making coming along?" Matt asks, trying not to over step his bounds, but these men risked their lives together every day and no topic really seemed to be off limits.

"It's going… Fuck it man, I have no idea. Half the mombo shit that doctors spit at us is foreign to me. Missa shoots herself with hormones and drinks this vitamin shit and takes herbs and it's not working. The only thing it is doing is making her hair really soft, and her skin really clear.

"That's too bad, man. I know how bad she wants a baby. Mary and her were talking at the docks before we left this time, Mary thinks she'll be a great mother, shit, I hope she gets it."

"She deserves everything she wants." Edgar says, picking up their pace. "She deserves more than I can give her."

_It's alright to tell me/ what you think/about me/I won't try/ to argue/or hold it/ against you/_

"I think you're a selfish bastard." Melissa said finally, folding her hands neatly on her lap below the table.

"That's a unadulterated opinion." Edgar said from his spot between the fridge and the counter.

"Yeah, it's a warranted opinion too," Melissa fumes. "I sit around here, in this apartment- lonely, by myself for eight, nine months out of the year. I wait. I'm patient. I never ask you to stay, or quit or find a new job. The only two things I ever wanted from you where your love, and a baby." She says calmly.

"I'm trying to tell you that you deserve both. I'm giving you all the love you could ever need. I love you enough to know that this, these three, four months together aren't enough!" He runs a hand through his boyish blonde hair. "Don't you understand? I love you so much, I understand that this is not the life you deserve."

"Fuck you, Hansen! How do you know what I do and don't deserve?"

"That's it! That's exactly it, Melissa. _I don't know what you deserve. _I don't know your favorite color, or your favorite store. I don't know what you do when I'm not here, I'm not even sure what grade you teach." He sighs, and looks at her face, it's normally graceful smile replaced by a contorted grimace. "We've been trying so hard to have a baby, that we didn't realize that it's a miracle we never got pregnant!"

Tears fall down her face, "Don't do this, Edgar. We don't have to have a baby. Just us, just this" she waves her hand between Edgar and herself "is enough for me!"

"No. No it isn't. You're an amazing, loving, beautiful women and you deserve everything you want. You want quality time, a family, a life, a husband with a nine to five job. I can't give that to you. I won't." He walks over to where she sit sitting, bends down, and places a gentle kiss on her lips. "I love you, Melissa. I want you to be happy. I can't make you happy anymore." He stands back up,

"Where will you go?" Melissa asks, standing and watching his back move towards the door.

"I'm going to stay with Norman, I'll come by for the rest of my clothes and my things when you go back to Connecticut for the weekend. I'll be gone by the time you get back." He says, never turning to face her. Edgar walks to the door, grabs his back by the floor, hoists it onto his shoulders and walks out the door.

"Bye," Melissa whispers softly.

_But everybody's gone/ and I've been here far too long/ to face this on my own/ I guess this is growing up/_

Resolve has done nothing to help ease Edgar's mind. Despite what it may have looked like to the outside world, Edgar really did love Melissa.

He wasn't an educated man; he earned a GED that he sometimes thought was a pity pass. He never enjoyed bookwork, but that didn't make him stupid. He knew right from wrong. He was right in loving Melissa, but it would have been wrong to keep their relationship going the way it was, and hold her back from living the life she deserved.

He was aware how bad it would hurt to let her go, he was prepared for her tears and the ache his heart would feel sleeping alone, and knowing he wouldn't hold her again.

It may take a while but, Melissa would realize what he already knew; sometimes love isn't everything. Relationships need to have an equal partnership, and quality time together; a relationship needs work and dedication. All things Edgar wasn't ready to give, but Melissa was ready to receive.

He would miss her, hell, he already did. She was beautiful, and compassionate. However, the dynamic of their relationship had changed drastically in the last year or two. Melissa, he was sure, would see that soon. She would come to terms with the fact that he was willing to give her a baby to ease her loneliness and she wanted a baby to try and make Edgar see he wanted to miss a few crab seasons a year. That was no way to bring a child into the world. It was no way for two adults to live their lives. It was time for one of them to be the rational adult, and realize that when they grew up together they also grew apart.

_And maybe/ I'll see you/ when you walk by/ on the arm of some guy/ and I'll smile/ and you'll wave/ and pretend its okay/_

Edgar was right, eventually Melissa realized, to end their relationship. She was clinging to having a baby so tightly she never realized how lonely and unhappy she truly was. Subconsciously, she hoped the baby would encourage Edgar to stay home for some trips. She was desperate to hang onto the love she knew she was losing. She was almost ashamed of her actions, but the longest, and truest love of her life was worth the desperation. In the end, she realized that sometimes love can just fade away. Sometimes, love isn't enough.

"This is my favorite place in Dutch Harbor; the docks!" Melissa said cheerfully, grabbing her husband's Mark's arm. "Come on, I hear Phil had his final off load today, and I know he's your favorite Captain on the show, so I thought I could introduce you!"

A large smiled spread across Mark's face, "You know him!?" He asked excitedly squeezing her hand.

"Yeah," Melissa lets out a small laugh. "I spent ten years up here, I worked as a nanny and home bound teacher for Phil's boys until Jake was sixteen. " She began to guide him down the docks, looking among the docked boats to find the large green Cornelia Marie.

"I hate to sound like a total chick but this is so exciting!" Mark said happily.

The pair came to the vessel and Melissa immediately noticed Jake Harris wandering around deck, stopping every few steps to pick something up, and toss it off the bow. Melissa took a step forward, and Mark hung back.

"Hey, Jacob, permission to come aboard? I want to introduce your pops to someone." She asked, flashing him a big smile.

Jake walked toward the rail, and gave her an equally large smile. "Hey Meliss! For you, permission is always granted, you know that. Hop on, babe"

"Jake-"

"I know, I know. I'm being inappropriate. One day, though- one day."

Melissa stepped forward, and made a small hop to the lowest pipe on the railing, and gave Jake a peck on the cheek. "The old man up in the wheel house?"

"No, uh, he's down at the end of the pier. You can meet him down there, or wait up in the wheel house."

Melissa considered her options carefully, "Nah, we'll take a walk down to him. You want to come?" She asked jumping back to the dock.

"I'm already up shit's creek. If I leave his dock it's the end of the line for me." He laughed, and then noticed Mark standing a few feet behind Melissa.

"Jacob, this my husband- Mark Russo. Mark, this is my friend Jake Harris."

"Husband?" Jake's face blanched for a split second, and then returned to normal. "Uh, nice to meet you, man."

Mark stepped forward, and extended his nice, "Nice to meet you, too Jake,"

"Uh, yeah, I'll shake your hand when you prove yourself." Jake said making no movements.

"Jacob. He's not a green horn. Don't be rude." Melissa chastised.

"Sorry Meliss, I'm just looking out for my boy." Jake apologized, not looking remorse in the least.

Mark placed his hand back at his side, and shrugged to Melissa. "Well, we're going to go find Phil. I'll see you around right, and your brother?"

"Yeah we'll be here a couple days before we leave for Red Crab."

Melissa and Mark made their way back up the dock, and then swung a quick left and started to walk down the main pier. "Maybe I shouldn't try an shake anyone else's hand."

"I have say that's probably a good idea." Melissa said honestly, letting go of Mark's hand and waving at four figures at the end of the pier. "One of them is defiantly Phil, I can hear his distinct tone yelling at, who I can only assume is, Josh." Melissa sped up, and Mark fell into step with her, and suddenly Melissa slowed.

"What's the matter, babe?" Mark asked at her sudden slow down.

"Nothing. I just thought, I thought that was Edgar. It's not it's Norman. They look kind of similar." Melissa told her softly, grabbing Mark's hand again.

"Oh, Captain, my Captains!" Melissa said loudly, approaching the group from behind. Almost in slow motion the group of five turned around. There was shouting, and vulgarities flying right left and finally, after what seemed like five minutes a whistle blew out.

"Alright!" Norman shouted. "She's standing right here, stop fucking screaming."

"Thank you, Norman. You should watch it though, you're getting dangerously close to using up your word quota of the week." Melissa said tossing her arms around Norman neck and giving him a squeeze. She then gave the other four men a greeting and a hug.

Jonathon looked behind her, "Who's the monkey?"

"Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet my husband- Mark Russo."

Shouting irrupted again, who couldn't believe she was married, who didn't understand _why_ she got married and Josh was just pissed he wasn't invited; bride mates were his thing.

"When did you get married, Missa?"

Melissa's heart jumped into her throat, she hadn't heard that voice in four years. "Um, last year. In September," She said turning towards Edgar. "Hey, how are you?"

"Good, good. Just finished Cod, so you know me. I'm a happy man." Edgar turned to Mark, and extended his hand "Hey man, Edgar Hansen"

Mark accepted his hand, "Mark, nice to meet you."

"Yeah, yeah. You too."

_Well/ I guess this is growing up/_

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